Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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