My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
