mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
