so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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