I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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