He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
