Barsexuality is the new black.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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