you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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