We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
