Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
we're making bets on your personal life
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
