It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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