she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
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