my phone needs a breathalizer
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I will be naked everywhere
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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