evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
