she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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