I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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