the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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