I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Randomize
