if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
