i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
