Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
