you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
