You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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