I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
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