I wish I could teleport
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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