I hate your face
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
