Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
