Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
FUCK WHALES
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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