Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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