we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
