she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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