I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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