found the other keg... it's in the tree
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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