You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
