Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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