GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
