Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
