Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
