DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
