this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
