Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
