a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Randomize
