sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
