She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
