i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
