So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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