If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
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