Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
this hospital has no fireball
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
