Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i drank out of a bidet.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Woke up backwards on a recliner
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
