Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
