My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
