yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
