I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
