so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
