why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
