i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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