Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
