it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
