You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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