I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
