nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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