I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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