Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
