My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
